Everything's Fine

Depression makes you fall out of love.

The person you're in love with can be amazing, lovely, everything a person should be.
They can drive 250miles to sit by your bedside.
They can play silly games with you.
Do crosswords with you.
They can tell you stories.
Tell you you're beautiful, lovely, fantastic.
And mean it.

They can be everything.

But depression will destroy that.

That voice inside your head will turn even the nicest things they say and do into acts against you.
Them wanting to spend time with you will become control.
Their consideration will become obsessiveness.
Curiosity is jealously.
The compliments they give you will become lies.
Physical contact will begin to repulse you.

And deep down you'll know that they deserve better. That they love you and you love them.
But the darkness will envelope you in hatred and you will start to push them away.

The months you were excited about, the future, plans. You'll begin to dread them, be uncertain, crave something different, something new and exciting.

And the irony is, they'll want nothing but to help you, to heal you, to make things better. And the more they try the worse you feel, the more it eats away at you, crawls inside of you.

You'll cycle.

Love. Sex. Love. Sex.

Hearts will be broken.
You'll feel guilty, but you'll be a coward. Because that's what depression is, its cowardly. Its a fear of fear, and most of the time you won't even realise that you're scared. You'll think you're just fumbling through life, fine.

Everything's fine.
Everything is fine.
Everything is fine.
Everything IS fine.