Trapped in a Bottle Lost at Sea.

Is it possible to feel both trapped and lost at the same time?

I'm trapped.
Trapped inside my own head, my own thoughts, insecurities.
Trapped by a lack of motivation, a lack of energy, opportunity.
Trapped by feelings of uselessness, feelings of sadness, confusion.
Trapped.
Trapped.
Trapped.
By memories.
By flashbacks.

Trapped by depression.


And at the same time I'm lost.
I'm lost out in the big wide world.
I'm disconnected.
Dissociative.
Disinterested.
I can't focus, can't interact.
I can't find any joy out there.
I can't find distraction.
I can't find myself.
I have no place, no purpose.
No need.

I'm set on automatic.

I'm trapped in a bottle.
But the bottle is lost at sea.

When you write..

Sometimes, when I feel this way I can write for hours. I don't even know what I'm writing about most of the time. My brain has all of these jumbled up ideas, things I feel like I need to explain.
Maybe they'll make more sense if I can see them. Words. Something tangible.
The words are never in the correct places, with the correct spaces or punctuation. They sit on whichever line of the page they please. They follow no logical, chronological rules.
Why should they?
Nothing else does.

Rules mean nothing.

I break the rules all the time. The rules of society, the rules I set myself.
I won't.
I shouldn't.
I will.

It means nothing.

And I hate myself for it. Because it makes me act as though other people mean nothing. Usually, other people mean everything, just not for a long enough period of time. While they're here its fine, they can keep me safe. When they're gone I need a substitute, something else to cover me, to provide a shelter from the words and images spinning around in my head.

Then the words stop. I know there is more to say but my brain freezes up.
I'm done. Don't make me think anymore.
Rant on all you want about feelings and rules and all release the anger you've pent up about other people, release your self loathing, self hatred, self destruction. But don't make me think about why.

We've covered this. We've analysed it. Half of it is a lie anyway.
No excuses. You know why you act the way you do?
Because that's the person you are. Not who you've become.
You know what you're doing, you could stop it if you wanted to.

Could I?
How?

Because no matter how many times I tell myself I won't. I always do.
I start untangling the knot that is my life.
The problem is, as one end of the rope is untangled, instead of coiling it neatly away my hands begin to get anxious, they start fiddling, toying with the fresh rope and before I know it the tangles are back. I'm knotted and muddled and trapped again.

Everything's Fine

Depression makes you fall out of love.

The person you're in love with can be amazing, lovely, everything a person should be.
They can drive 250miles to sit by your bedside.
They can play silly games with you.
Do crosswords with you.
They can tell you stories.
Tell you you're beautiful, lovely, fantastic.
And mean it.

They can be everything.

But depression will destroy that.

That voice inside your head will turn even the nicest things they say and do into acts against you.
Them wanting to spend time with you will become control.
Their consideration will become obsessiveness.
Curiosity is jealously.
The compliments they give you will become lies.
Physical contact will begin to repulse you.

And deep down you'll know that they deserve better. That they love you and you love them.
But the darkness will envelope you in hatred and you will start to push them away.

The months you were excited about, the future, plans. You'll begin to dread them, be uncertain, crave something different, something new and exciting.

And the irony is, they'll want nothing but to help you, to heal you, to make things better. And the more they try the worse you feel, the more it eats away at you, crawls inside of you.

You'll cycle.

Love. Sex. Love. Sex.

Hearts will be broken.
You'll feel guilty, but you'll be a coward. Because that's what depression is, its cowardly. Its a fear of fear, and most of the time you won't even realise that you're scared. You'll think you're just fumbling through life, fine.

Everything's fine.
Everything is fine.
Everything is fine.
Everything IS fine.

What do you get if you unfold a dragon?

A lily.

A triangle.

An aeroplane.

A lotus flower.

A vision of purity, the strongest shape, a means of escape, renewal.

You can't appreciate a smile if you've never seen tears.

I received a dragon in the post today.
It is the most amazing and fantastic thing.

Origami.

Fragile.

I picked it up and turned it over in my hands, wondering how it survived the journey.
Did it make friends on the way?
How many paper dragons do you think there are, floating around in envelopes?
I don't suppose it occurs to the postmen, or the carriers and sorters than they're helping a tiny little dragon make its journey.

But that dragon, making its way to me meant everything.

How easy it would be to squash the dragon. Tear it up. Even to just unfold it. Was it made from a square or a rectangle? If I unfolded it, how easy would it be to recreate, without looking it up online of course. Just from memory, by studying the creases.

Complex.

This dragon represents something more than an ancient art of paper folding.

This dragon represents all the hurt in my life, every bad thing, every time I needed to be protected and wasn't. Of course I wanted to tear it up.

But what then?
If you tear up a dragon you just get scales.
If you squash a dragon you just compress it, its still a dragon. Probably an angry dragon now.
If you unfold a dragon, you don't know what you might end up with. A square? A rectangle? Maybe even a circle? And not a neat circle, one that's creased and crumpled, so you'd always remember that it had once been a dragon anyway.

So my Knight, in slaying me a dragon, made me realise that maybe I need the dark, and the hurt. Because you can't have colour without dark. And without hurt, pleasure doesn't have the same amazingness about it.

So the dragon will sit on my shelf, watching over me, reminding me that there is a dragon inside me too, not to be slain but to make me strong, to make me colourful and to make me amazing.

Will You Be My Everything?

'There seems to be a kind of order in the universe, in the movement of the stars, the turning of the Earth, the shining of the moon and the changing of the seasons. But human life is almost pure chaos.'

The Princess knew this to be true, but she also believed that sometimes you could find organised chaos, when feelings find meaning and start to make sense.

The Kingdom was covered in snow, it was beautiful.

'Let me show you around' the Knight grinned, taking her hand in his he led up up the path. 'Close your eyes' he whispered. 'Step up' he moved behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. 'Tell me what you see.'

It was beautiful, she could see the Palace, lit up and magical. She looked up to the sky, snow clouds lingered but the moon was shining through, shining down on them.

'And that's not even the best bit,' she felt his breath on her neck and turned around to face him, she marvelled again at his handsomeness and smiled to herself. She jumped down the step and followed him up the path, it was dark now and he held the lantern high, guiding their way.

He began to tell her the legends of the land, stories of dragons slayed and dreams come true.

They made their way into the woods, he gripped her hand tighter, letting her know she was safe. He shone the lantern, scanning through the trees, suddenly his face lit up.

'Have you ever seen an upside down tree?'

She frowned at him puzzled and he grinned. He led her through the trees, twisting and turning to avoid roots and stumps.

'Look up,' he spoke softly guiding her eyes with the light. She looked in wonder at the tree roots above her head and followed the trunk down into the ground! It was amazing. She glanced at the Knight, he was staring at her with as much wonder as she was at the trees.

'You're beautiful' he sighed.
The Princess giggled, 'Show me more..'

'Okay. Are you feeling brave?'

She gripped his hand again and they started walked. He told her the story of the deadly Rattlesnake that had roamed the woods many years ago but had been slain by a brave knight

'Legend says that sometimes, late at night, amongst the crunching of the leaves, and the sounds of the tiny forest creatures, you can hear the hissing of the snake and the sound of its deadly RATTLE!'

She shrieked as he illuminated part of the snake! He followed its body down with the lantern as they crept closer, she marvelled at the huge carved structure before her. It was at least 30 feet long, and exquisite in detail.

'Once the Knight was victorious, the villagers carved this as a memorial, for all those who had been prey to the snake, and to remind people of the dangers that lurked in the woods.'

'There are more dangers?' he smiled as he detected no fear in her voice, only excitement.

'There is one more, but it only hunts during a full moon.' They both glanced up, the sky was clearing and a few stars now sparkled around the glowing moon, only half in its glory. She thought back to the first time they'd searched for the moon together, it had been missing. Glancing at the Knight she wondered if he was remembering too, their battle for the moon.

'So we can see it? Its not dangerous tonight?' she grinned.

He held the lantern up to her face and brushed her hair back.

'You're amazing,' he whispered, and took her hand once more. Even if she wasn't scared, he wanted to be close to her, plus it was uphill now, and the ice was slippery, she giggled and she slid and stumbled, and remarked about the difficulties they'd have getting back down. The Knight couldn't believe how perfect she was, to enjoy such an adventure and embrace the challenges of the snow and ice.

They made their way up the hill, it was hard to follow the path, buried as it was under the sheet of snow, and the Knight became disorientated. Then he spotted it, 'Shhhhh' he put his finger to her lips and she kissed it softly.

'This dangeous creature, hunts at night by a full moon using a highly advanced radar system and it drains its victims of their blood before hanging upside down to rest.' They weaved in an out of more trees, the lantern casting suspiscious shadows, then she spooted it! The biggest bat she had ever seen, hanging upside down, its wings wrapped around itself. It was far bigger than she was, she could see huge talons on its feet, but it looked so peaceful, sleeping, she could hardly believe that it would cause any harm. She looked up at it for a while, intrigued.

'I wonder if it has a name?'

The Knight couldn't help but giggle, she was so adorable and he knew for sure now that he wanted her to be his, he couldn't live another day with her as an 'almost' or a 'could be', he knew that she was meant to be his.

'There is one more thing I want you to see.' They left the far side of the trees and climbed higher up the hill, there was a stone marking the highest point. He began to list all the things he liked about her, how amazing and spectacular he thought she was, then he stopped and looked deep into her eyes.

'Princess,' he spoke softly, 'Will you be my everything?'

Her eyes lit up and she smiled the most delightful smile he had ever seen.

'Yes!' she exclaimed.

'Yes?'

She nodded, grinning and leant forward. The Knight dropped the lantern and wrapped his arms tightly around her, his lips searching frantically for her mouth. He kissed her passionatly, kissing his heart and soul into her, for they were no longer his, they belonged to her now. He lifted her up onto the stone, and ran his fingers through her hair as they kissed.

'Yes,' she repeated breathlessly, 'Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.'

They broke away from the kiss and she looked up to the sky. The clouds had all cleared, it was the perfect night sky, lit by thousands of stars. She giggled and it echoed around the valley, the most magical sound. The Prince let out a chuckle too, and then threw his head back and laughed, they beamed at eachother and kissed again.

'Yes.' The Knight repeated and helped his Princess down from the stone, ready to slide their way back down the hill.

They had experienced their share of chaos, unexplained and unfair feelings, and now things were finally starting to make sense. Those three words echoed around their heads, and depsite conquering giant bats and huge rattlesnakes, neither of them were yet brave enough to utter them. But both knew they would come soon.

I see wonder in the world..