When you write..

Sometimes, when I feel this way I can write for hours. I don't even know what I'm writing about most of the time. My brain has all of these jumbled up ideas, things I feel like I need to explain.
Maybe they'll make more sense if I can see them. Words. Something tangible.
The words are never in the correct places, with the correct spaces or punctuation. They sit on whichever line of the page they please. They follow no logical, chronological rules.
Why should they?
Nothing else does.

Rules mean nothing.

I break the rules all the time. The rules of society, the rules I set myself.
I won't.
I shouldn't.
I will.

It means nothing.

And I hate myself for it. Because it makes me act as though other people mean nothing. Usually, other people mean everything, just not for a long enough period of time. While they're here its fine, they can keep me safe. When they're gone I need a substitute, something else to cover me, to provide a shelter from the words and images spinning around in my head.

Then the words stop. I know there is more to say but my brain freezes up.
I'm done. Don't make me think anymore.
Rant on all you want about feelings and rules and all release the anger you've pent up about other people, release your self loathing, self hatred, self destruction. But don't make me think about why.

We've covered this. We've analysed it. Half of it is a lie anyway.
No excuses. You know why you act the way you do?
Because that's the person you are. Not who you've become.
You know what you're doing, you could stop it if you wanted to.

Could I?
How?

Because no matter how many times I tell myself I won't. I always do.
I start untangling the knot that is my life.
The problem is, as one end of the rope is untangled, instead of coiling it neatly away my hands begin to get anxious, they start fiddling, toying with the fresh rope and before I know it the tangles are back. I'm knotted and muddled and trapped again.

Everything's Fine

Depression makes you fall out of love.

The person you're in love with can be amazing, lovely, everything a person should be.
They can drive 250miles to sit by your bedside.
They can play silly games with you.
Do crosswords with you.
They can tell you stories.
Tell you you're beautiful, lovely, fantastic.
And mean it.

They can be everything.

But depression will destroy that.

That voice inside your head will turn even the nicest things they say and do into acts against you.
Them wanting to spend time with you will become control.
Their consideration will become obsessiveness.
Curiosity is jealously.
The compliments they give you will become lies.
Physical contact will begin to repulse you.

And deep down you'll know that they deserve better. That they love you and you love them.
But the darkness will envelope you in hatred and you will start to push them away.

The months you were excited about, the future, plans. You'll begin to dread them, be uncertain, crave something different, something new and exciting.

And the irony is, they'll want nothing but to help you, to heal you, to make things better. And the more they try the worse you feel, the more it eats away at you, crawls inside of you.

You'll cycle.

Love. Sex. Love. Sex.

Hearts will be broken.
You'll feel guilty, but you'll be a coward. Because that's what depression is, its cowardly. Its a fear of fear, and most of the time you won't even realise that you're scared. You'll think you're just fumbling through life, fine.

Everything's fine.
Everything is fine.
Everything is fine.
Everything IS fine.

What do you get if you unfold a dragon?

A lily.

A triangle.

An aeroplane.

A lotus flower.

A vision of purity, the strongest shape, a means of escape, renewal.

You can't appreciate a smile if you've never seen tears.

I received a dragon in the post today.
It is the most amazing and fantastic thing.

Origami.

Fragile.

I picked it up and turned it over in my hands, wondering how it survived the journey.
Did it make friends on the way?
How many paper dragons do you think there are, floating around in envelopes?
I don't suppose it occurs to the postmen, or the carriers and sorters than they're helping a tiny little dragon make its journey.

But that dragon, making its way to me meant everything.

How easy it would be to squash the dragon. Tear it up. Even to just unfold it. Was it made from a square or a rectangle? If I unfolded it, how easy would it be to recreate, without looking it up online of course. Just from memory, by studying the creases.

Complex.

This dragon represents something more than an ancient art of paper folding.

This dragon represents all the hurt in my life, every bad thing, every time I needed to be protected and wasn't. Of course I wanted to tear it up.

But what then?
If you tear up a dragon you just get scales.
If you squash a dragon you just compress it, its still a dragon. Probably an angry dragon now.
If you unfold a dragon, you don't know what you might end up with. A square? A rectangle? Maybe even a circle? And not a neat circle, one that's creased and crumpled, so you'd always remember that it had once been a dragon anyway.

So my Knight, in slaying me a dragon, made me realise that maybe I need the dark, and the hurt. Because you can't have colour without dark. And without hurt, pleasure doesn't have the same amazingness about it.

So the dragon will sit on my shelf, watching over me, reminding me that there is a dragon inside me too, not to be slain but to make me strong, to make me colourful and to make me amazing.

Will You Be My Everything?

'There seems to be a kind of order in the universe, in the movement of the stars, the turning of the Earth, the shining of the moon and the changing of the seasons. But human life is almost pure chaos.'

The Princess knew this to be true, but she also believed that sometimes you could find organised chaos, when feelings find meaning and start to make sense.

The Kingdom was covered in snow, it was beautiful.

'Let me show you around' the Knight grinned, taking her hand in his he led up up the path. 'Close your eyes' he whispered. 'Step up' he moved behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. 'Tell me what you see.'

It was beautiful, she could see the Palace, lit up and magical. She looked up to the sky, snow clouds lingered but the moon was shining through, shining down on them.

'And that's not even the best bit,' she felt his breath on her neck and turned around to face him, she marvelled again at his handsomeness and smiled to herself. She jumped down the step and followed him up the path, it was dark now and he held the lantern high, guiding their way.

He began to tell her the legends of the land, stories of dragons slayed and dreams come true.

They made their way into the woods, he gripped her hand tighter, letting her know she was safe. He shone the lantern, scanning through the trees, suddenly his face lit up.

'Have you ever seen an upside down tree?'

She frowned at him puzzled and he grinned. He led her through the trees, twisting and turning to avoid roots and stumps.

'Look up,' he spoke softly guiding her eyes with the light. She looked in wonder at the tree roots above her head and followed the trunk down into the ground! It was amazing. She glanced at the Knight, he was staring at her with as much wonder as she was at the trees.

'You're beautiful' he sighed.
The Princess giggled, 'Show me more..'

'Okay. Are you feeling brave?'

She gripped his hand again and they started walked. He told her the story of the deadly Rattlesnake that had roamed the woods many years ago but had been slain by a brave knight

'Legend says that sometimes, late at night, amongst the crunching of the leaves, and the sounds of the tiny forest creatures, you can hear the hissing of the snake and the sound of its deadly RATTLE!'

She shrieked as he illuminated part of the snake! He followed its body down with the lantern as they crept closer, she marvelled at the huge carved structure before her. It was at least 30 feet long, and exquisite in detail.

'Once the Knight was victorious, the villagers carved this as a memorial, for all those who had been prey to the snake, and to remind people of the dangers that lurked in the woods.'

'There are more dangers?' he smiled as he detected no fear in her voice, only excitement.

'There is one more, but it only hunts during a full moon.' They both glanced up, the sky was clearing and a few stars now sparkled around the glowing moon, only half in its glory. She thought back to the first time they'd searched for the moon together, it had been missing. Glancing at the Knight she wondered if he was remembering too, their battle for the moon.

'So we can see it? Its not dangerous tonight?' she grinned.

He held the lantern up to her face and brushed her hair back.

'You're amazing,' he whispered, and took her hand once more. Even if she wasn't scared, he wanted to be close to her, plus it was uphill now, and the ice was slippery, she giggled and she slid and stumbled, and remarked about the difficulties they'd have getting back down. The Knight couldn't believe how perfect she was, to enjoy such an adventure and embrace the challenges of the snow and ice.

They made their way up the hill, it was hard to follow the path, buried as it was under the sheet of snow, and the Knight became disorientated. Then he spotted it, 'Shhhhh' he put his finger to her lips and she kissed it softly.

'This dangeous creature, hunts at night by a full moon using a highly advanced radar system and it drains its victims of their blood before hanging upside down to rest.' They weaved in an out of more trees, the lantern casting suspiscious shadows, then she spooted it! The biggest bat she had ever seen, hanging upside down, its wings wrapped around itself. It was far bigger than she was, she could see huge talons on its feet, but it looked so peaceful, sleeping, she could hardly believe that it would cause any harm. She looked up at it for a while, intrigued.

'I wonder if it has a name?'

The Knight couldn't help but giggle, she was so adorable and he knew for sure now that he wanted her to be his, he couldn't live another day with her as an 'almost' or a 'could be', he knew that she was meant to be his.

'There is one more thing I want you to see.' They left the far side of the trees and climbed higher up the hill, there was a stone marking the highest point. He began to list all the things he liked about her, how amazing and spectacular he thought she was, then he stopped and looked deep into her eyes.

'Princess,' he spoke softly, 'Will you be my everything?'

Her eyes lit up and she smiled the most delightful smile he had ever seen.

'Yes!' she exclaimed.

'Yes?'

She nodded, grinning and leant forward. The Knight dropped the lantern and wrapped his arms tightly around her, his lips searching frantically for her mouth. He kissed her passionatly, kissing his heart and soul into her, for they were no longer his, they belonged to her now. He lifted her up onto the stone, and ran his fingers through her hair as they kissed.

'Yes,' she repeated breathlessly, 'Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.'

They broke away from the kiss and she looked up to the sky. The clouds had all cleared, it was the perfect night sky, lit by thousands of stars. She giggled and it echoed around the valley, the most magical sound. The Prince let out a chuckle too, and then threw his head back and laughed, they beamed at eachother and kissed again.

'Yes.' The Knight repeated and helped his Princess down from the stone, ready to slide their way back down the hill.

They had experienced their share of chaos, unexplained and unfair feelings, and now things were finally starting to make sense. Those three words echoed around their heads, and depsite conquering giant bats and huge rattlesnakes, neither of them were yet brave enough to utter them. But both knew they would come soon.

I see wonder in the world..

Now That I Have Found You

'What I seem to have found in this madness, is my minds recognition of its counterpart in another.'

Pursue Happiness.

For those of you who don't know,
To gain happiness, you must pursue it.
Maybe you can never attain ultimate happiness but in your pursuit of it you become happy.

Please, get out of my head. You don't deserve to be here!

I am so angry at myself!
I let you get inside my head again.
I had everything planned, I wanted to talk to you one last time, just to find out what you meant when you said 'mistake' then, if things didn't go the way I wanted them to, which I knew they wouldn't, I could just forget about you and move on properly.
But things didn't go either way. You're either too much of a coward to break my heart or you're to much of a coward to risk being lonely for a couple of months in exchange for more amazing months together. I'm not sure which I'd rather.
I just want you to make you mind up.

I should have just forgotten about you when I had the chance, instead of clutching to golden threads and chasing false words.

And now, I've failed at something.
I've never failed at anything in my life. Ever.
Until now. I've always been the best. And today I failed.

Actually, I lied.
I'm not angry at myself.
I'm angry at you!

Favourites.

I miss being your favourite.

I've always been a favourite. To someone.

I was lots of peoples favourite not so long ago. Now, I'm just a pretend favourite. A convenience favourite.

Like when you go to the store and they're sold out of your favourite chocolate bar so you pick your 'second favourite' instead, and try to tell yourself it's just as good.

I'd even settle for being your favourite friend. Because favourite friends come before everyone else right? But they don't. You knew I was lieing when I said I was okay, you knew it. But you still left me, you left me by myself to cry so that you could spend time with her. And even when you did realise, you only sat with me for as long as you had to. You told me you loved me and that you'd make everything okay, you made promises that you claim you don't remember making! And then you went to her room, and took her to bed.

You claim to be the person in this place who cares about me the most and yet you left me. But the one guy on center who teases me and judges the most, who has never shown any sign of caring about me, noticed that I've been sad lately. He asked if I was okay and knew I was lieing. He was in the middle of cooking dinner for his girlfriend and yet he came and sat with me for half an hour. He tried to find out what was wrong and when he realised I didn't trust him enough to tell him he just sat and spoke with me. Asking about other things, just to show me that I could talk. And he has looked after me since.

You can't just pick and choose between us. Spend a night cuddled up with me. Or watch a DVD whilst stroking my skin and kissing my forehead. Then go and do the same with her. Does she even know you fell asleep in my bed that night? She was obviously hurt today when she found me in your room, even though there is 'nothing serious' between you.

Or how about the other morning when I came in to talk to you after our lovely night. I was standing in the doorway talking to you in your bed, I really wanted to climb in a have a cuddle to make me feel better, I was speaking about personal things, then I hear her voice! And she has been laid in bed with you the whole time. The whole night!! After everything the night before between us, you went and found her straight afterwards.

And what about when she leaves for France? Am I going to be your favourite again for two weeks? Then get dropped as soon as she comes back?

Then, to top it all off. The person who is my favourite. The one person that I really, truely love, who knows everything there is to know. Who I've shared so much with. Who I trust, and feel fully comfortable with. He can't make me his favourite anymore because it hurts him too much, because I'm too far away. And he has another. Not a favourite but a 'companion' someone who is just there because he needs someone. That isn't fair. He does the same thing. He spends nights with her, cuddles and kisses her, then speaks to me and tells me how much he misses me. Tells me he wants me. He loves me. Tells me she doesn't mean anything and that I mean everything. But it isn't enough. It isn't enough to make him change his mind.

When your heart takes over...

Love.

'Love is just a chemical reaction'

'I only find you so attractive because your genes are compatible with mine'

Romantic much?

But it makes sense.
Love is fickle. And volatile. And never lasts as long as people think.

You know those moments where you saying something you weren't planning to, maybe something you didn't even know you thought, because for a split second your heart took over. Your heart had control of your voice box, your lips and the words just tumbled out. It feels like its not even you saying it, almost as if you're floating in the sky, looking down at yourself, wondering what just happened. The events that snowball from those moments are usually really amazing. For a really short amount of time. Not long after you're cursing your heart for taking over, cursing your brain for letting those words slip through. Cursing yourself for acting on impulse without considering where this was going to lead. It was so predictable, of course this would happen, you knew it would, you could have stopped it. And now people are going to get hurt.

Sometimes its not even words. Its an action. Your heart takes control of your whole body! I've told myself many times that I won't do something, then the moments arises and all of a sudden I'm doing it!! But deep down, I always knew it was going to happen, I knew I'd do it and I knew it would be a bad idea.

Irrational much?

Yes, everything that I do is irrational, it goes against everything I believe, or think I believe. But I do it anyway. I hurt people. But I'm a good liar. So everybody still likes me.

'You're like a golden boomarang'

I sparkle and shine and everybody wants me. But I'm not a boomarang, because I never come back. Even if I say I will. Sometimes I pretend to come back, but I'm never really there, never really yours. I'm just there because someone else has thrown me in the wrong direction.

I'm always going in the wrong direction.

Map please?

A Test of Faith.

Exclusive.

In relationships is anything ever exclusive? How far does exclusivity stretch?
Hold another hand. Stroke another leg. Cuddles. Kisses. Sex. The rules are goverened by the couple involved. They can decide what exclusive means for them.

Hypocrisy.

Eveyone is a hypocrit. They give advice that they don't follow. Or they do something they've judged someone else for doing. Hated someone else for doing. Everybody has gone against something they'd said they'd do. Or wouldn't do.

Honesty.

Do we need to be honest about everything? Somethings just hurt.
Somethings are obvious without being said. Saying them is like rubbing salt into the wound.
Better to have been told before the seeing is obvious.

Want.

How much of what we do, do we do just for the sake of doing it?
To want someone, something. How often do we get confused about what we want? Do we want a cuddle from that person. Or do we just want a cuddle. Closeness, comfort from any invisible face.

Need.

Do we need a relationship to be happy? Are humans really designed to be monogamous? Do we need to have that one person to share every inch of our lives with? Or is that too much responsibility to give one person. Maybe we just need a break?

The meaning of life.
*Insert own views here*

The meaning of life?
Who cares?
Just be happy.

Pretending.

I'm so tired of pretending.

Believing is amazing, it can get you anything. Fantasy. But pretending, pretending about real things. Things that matter. People just get hurt.

Its seems as though everyone is pretending at the moment. Pretending to like people, pretending not to like people. Pretending everything is okay, pretending nothing is okay. Pretending to be something they're not.

Lets pretend, for a second. That you weren't an illusion. That you really were everything I pretended to people, to myself, that you were. My lovely, sweet, caring magician. My best friend. Instead of the selfish, insensitive illusionist you really are. If we pretend that you're real then its logical that I'd still have feelings for you. And be hurt that you've turned into her hero all of sudden. It makes sense for me to read that letter, the letter that had me walking on air for days and smile at all the sweet things you say, and be sad that you don't feel that way anymore. But, lets be realistic now, you said you still meant them the last time I saw you, then two days later you meant them to her. I shouldn't still be angry about this, I shouldn't still miss you but I do. I pretended for so long that you were amazing. I miss the illusion.

And how about 'almosts' are they the same as pretending? We pretended for a while I know. We pretended that we didn't feel the way we did. We pretended that the intense, heart racing, butterflies and tingles feeling we get everytime we touch was nothing but physical attraction. That we could speak for hours because we had so much to catch up on. We pretended two days was enough. Then we realised it wasn't, stop pretending. But did we? If I'm almost your girlfriend does that mean we're pretending that I am?

Okay.. lets tell a different story. A different pretence. Lets pretend that I am in love with you. I might be. But I might be more in love with him. Or with an illusion. Is it really worth you being so upset that we're apart if its not real? Or me being so lonely?

I don't know. I want a real life. One where all the stories fit together in the right place. Where everything matches. One life. Not three, or four.

I'm sick of other people pretending too. We both know that you like eachother. Just get on with it instead of playing us both for fools. Its clear to everyone whats going on and you both owe it to us to be honest. Instead of touching eachother when you think we're not looking or springing apart when one of us enters the room. We're all adults, we live and work together. And maybe it will hurt for a while, especially for him. But we'll get over it, and we'd rather that than be messed around. Oh, and by the way, stop pretending that you're not a hypocrit. You're doing to him exactly what he did to your best friend with her. And you hated her for it. Now you want to be with her.

The Magic of Colour

The Angel stared into the mirror and let out a long, sad sigh. Something looked wrong.
She fluttered her eyelashes and plumped up her hair but nothing did the trick.

"I'm just not as colourful anymore" she thought to herself.

It was true. The whole of the land had noticed that her colours were fading. The red of her hair didn't shine the way it used to, even in the brightest of sunshine. Her lips no longer blossomed crimson into a smile that lit up her face. Even her technicolour wardrobe was looking faded, as if it had been through the wash too many times. And her eyes. Her eyes looked sad.

She continued her duties as normal, bringing colour to the world. The leaves on the trees were magnificently green. The lake continued to glisten a deep blue. The birds were still as colourful as a rainbow. But her own colours seemed to be fading. The people of the land were growing greatly concerned, why was her light going out? And what would happen if her colours disappeared?

She twisted and turned in the mirror. She remembered this happening before, a long time ago she'd had no colour. It had been cruelly taken away from her by an evil monster. A shadow. She shuddered when she remembered that shadow, looming over her. That shadow had taken so much and left her light so weak that she'd thought she might never glow again. She remembered how she had been so sad for so long, she had seen no colour in the world, no colour in people.

Then bit by bit her colour had been restored. Fairies and pixies had shown her beauty in the world again, they'd shown her the lake as she'd never seen it before, she heard the birds singing again. A fair prince had taken her to see castles and palaces bigger than she could ever had dreamed. He had even taken her to beaches and she had felt the sand between her toes. With every new sight, every new person she collected a new colour until she was glowing stronger than anyone had ever seen an Angel glow before. She was colourful and beautiful and the people of the land admired her very much.

Eventually she had collected enough colours that she had some to spare. She started to share the colours, giving colour back to people who had lost it. People who had also been victims of Shadows, Monsters or even Angels. Because not all Angels are nice. But Angels are very good at tricking people and a lot of the girls in the village had fallen under an evil Angels spell.

Every time she helped someone to see colour they begun to glow, they became and Angel too. And this made her glow too. She enjoyed the cycle of colour for it kept the world magical and wonderful, and lovely to look at. She enjoyed meeting new people, who could show her knew colours.

She had never seen so much colour in the world as when she was with the Mystical Knight. This Knight had visited from another Realm, bringing with him many fresh colours. Blues deeper than she had ever known, Greens that would make even the proudest tree feel jealous, Yellows that shone brighter than the Sun in a cloudless sky. The Knights colours made her happy, he showed her places the Fair Prince couldn't have dreamed about. Magical, mystical places. Waterfalls that hid towers of Gold and Palaces made of Ice! She marvelled at this world, a look of wonder in her eyes. But most of all, she marvelled at him. He told stories from another world. If there was one thing she loved more than colours it was stories. And his stories were full of colour and full of life! He told her tales of Pyramids and Great Walls built by Emperors long ago. He spoke of buildings so tall they touched the sky and pure white beaches that stretched out further than the eye could see. He told her stories while they laid on a colourful blanket under a black nights sky, lit with thousands of stars that she would swear were shining only for them.

The Knights visits brought her great joy, but also great sadness for she knew that he could never stay for long, he had duties in the other Realm. For he was a Brave Knight, possibly the greatest Knight his world had ever seen, he had rescued many Damsels and won many Battles. His greatest task of all was saving a beautiful Princess from a Wicked Witch. A Princess whose colour rivalled that of the Angel. And a Witch whose darkness was so overwhelming that it made even the Brave Knight sad. The Angel knew that once the Knight rescued the Princess he would never return, for everyone knows that a Princess is only ever rescued by her One True Love.

On his last visit the Knight had told her that he must rescue the Princess. He could not stay for the Angel as she did not need saving. And he had kissed her Goodbye. It was that kiss that had sucked some of the colour out of her. In that kiss she had realised that the person she saw the most colour in, could never share all of his colours with her.

"And he had the most amazing colours." She thought to herself, with a sigh. And she continued to stare at the mirror. It had been a week since he'd said goodbye. She had heard rumours spreading through the villages that the Princess had been rescued and she supposed that they would soon be married.

She turned to walk away when suddenly, something in the mirror changed. She looked closer and could see new colours, she now longer saw her dull reflection, she saw the outline of her Brave Knight looking back at her. She remembered a story he had told her about a Wizard he had met who could create portals within reflections, this must be how he appeared before her now. She marvelled once again at his brilliance!

He spoke,
"My love, it was all a trick! The Princess did not need rescuing for she was the Witch."

The Angel stared. Half processing what he had just told her and half still marvelling at this figure in her mirror.

"The Princess has spent her time with many Princes and dismissed them all. She knew that she would not gain my attention unless she was in danger. I had told many fairies in my Realm that I had met my soul mate and the news had reached her ears. A colourful Princess she was but that day she turned Green with Envy and hatched a Wicked plan! She was never in need of saving, except from herself!"

"Soul mate?" The Angel whispered.

"My Darling. I was never in love with the Princess, in love with an illusion maybe. But I knew, I knew after that kiss that it was you that I wanted. I was always going to come back to you." The Knight spoke with so much passion that she couldn't help but let a wide grin spread across her face.

"Soul mates." She said again, with more confidence.

"Will you wait for me?" The Knight asked her. "I promise it will be worth the wait."

She nodded. And placed her fingertips up to the mirror, the Knight brought his up and matched them to hers, as they connected through the mirror the room lit up around her and she was sure she felt his skin, for just a second. And then his reflection was gone. She was left looking at herself in the mirror, she looked at her mouth, her crimson lips blossoming in a smile that lit up her face. And she looked at her eyes, they shone back at her. She spun around with glee and the room sparkled around her. Her colour was back.

Amazing Things Happen When You Believe

That day had been amazing. Their hideaway looking beautiful in the snow, a perfect blanket covered the grass, flakes fell from the trees in the breeze, the statue appeared to have a tiny snow top hat on. They ran. They ran in and out of trees. They chased each other around the statues. They threw snowballs and kicked snowy mountains without a care in the world.

Then time froze.

They stepped closer, their eyes fixed upon each others with a knowing stare. He took her in his arms and tilted her chin upwards. She closed her eyes and could feel the bright sun against her eyelids.

Curious how much brighter the sun feels reflected off a pure white world.

He gently swept a few stray hairs back from her face and kissed her. A deep meaningful kiss. A kiss where nothing else matters but the feeling within that kiss. What was that feeling? Could it be love? He knew it could be, if they had time, he could love her. Right now he felt like he needed her. He needed her to kiss him. He needed her to want him. He needed her to be his. Need. That feeling was too strong, too intense, he had to break it.

He ran his cold fingers down her neck, lower, lower, until he found her waist. His icy hands crept up her top, catching her off guard. At the cold sensation on her back she yelped, then giggled. He hooked his leg around hers and gently lowered her to ground, into the snow.

She looked amazing. A colourful angel on a pure background. Her skin was so pale that the colours where highlighted, maximised. The bright fabrics of her technicolour coat glistened and her jewellery glittered and sparkled. Her stunning red hair fell behind her, above her and was speckled with polystyrene snow. Most of all he noticed her big, blue eyes shining up at him. Those eyes, he could not resist those eyes. When he had first met her those eyes and made him break all of his 'dating' rules. Of course, they'd never had a chance to date, he hadn't known whether he'd see her again, he'd had to kiss her. He had to kiss her now, in the snow, it was a perfect image and he wanted to capture it, to remember it forever.

They lay there in snow until they got too cold and he helped her up, she was glowing and smiling a true smile. He took her hand and led her over to a fallen tree, expecting to help her up. She pulled herself up with ease and he giggled to himself. She really wasn't like other girls, worried about breaking nails or getting muddy, she was a true explorer.

They watched the sun disappear through a gap in the tree tops. Sitting on that log next to the stream, which had frozen over the previous night. While it had still been light they'd watched some children breaking the ice with sticks. Smashing and cracking. They'd laughed at how acceptable destruction was when you were young.

On that log, in their own make believe world they lost track of time telling stories of adventures, and misadventures. Giants and dwarfs, tigers and zebras, pyramids and castles and secrets. They told each other secrets. Secrets that didn't mean anything, and secrets that meant everything. But both of them kept one secret to themselves. Their giggles echoed throughout the woods.

"You never stop smiling," he teased. "I love that. I love you." His grin disappeared.

Awkward silence? Had she heard? They broke eye contact and looked around, there was very little light apart from the moon peeping through the branches and a slight glow of the fairies. Fairies don't shine very much anymore, not enough people believe in them. Once upon a time one fairy would have glowed enough to light your way through the whole forest.

"It's very dark," she whispered. "How are we going to get back?"

His face lit up. Grinning again.

"We can make snow lanterns!"

"Snow lanterns? I'm sure they're about as useful as a chocolate teapot!"

"You'll see." He told her, and started moulding snow.

His fingers moulded the snow into the shape of a lantern, she marvelled at him.

"We can use the fairies to light them!" she exclaimed.

"The fairies?"

"Yes. The snow fairies!" She pulled him to his feet. "Look around, can you see them? They glow so weakly. If we believe that they can light our way they will!"

She spun him around and his eyes began to focus, he could see them faintly. Make out flickers of light here and there were no natural light would reach. He held up the snow lantern in one hand and took her hand in the other. They closed their eyes.

They felt magic, a heat against their eyes. When they dared to look, they peered out slowly, the lantern was glowing warmly and bright lights were dancing all around them. He set the lantern down and took her other hand and spun. They spun around in a blur of snow and fairies, their heads raised to the sky, laughing. The fairies danced with them, reflecting onto the leaves of the trees and making patterns on the ice of the stream. It was beautiful.

The spinning slowed down and he pulled her closer to him, looking once more into those deep blue pools that were her eyes. Those eyes told a million stories all at once, he knew it. That was why he was so drawn to them, he was drawn to stories, he wanted to know her stories.

"See, amazing things happen when you believe" she whispered sadly.

He drew her closer still and wrapped his arms around her. He held her tightly. He wanted to believe, he wished he could. He could believe in fairies, he believed in dragons and angels, he believed in himself, he believed in her. But he couldn't believe in them together. He believed that they were soul mates, thrown together at the wrong time by accident. He believed that they were meant to be together. But he know that it was impossible, and that it would hurt them both too much. He couldn't do it. But he wished he could.

Fairytales Are Real.

"What is your favourite thing in the whole wide world?"

How a person answers this question can tell you alot about them. It can tell you if they're honest, it can tell you if they're happy and it can tell you what their motives are.

Ask this question to the next guy that tries to chat you up at a bar.
If you get the answer, "Sex, or a blow job." My advice is to avoid him like the plague. Unless of course, he is cute and that is all you're interested in to.

If he gives you an answer that is meaningless, especially if thought of while staring at your chest, he probably wanted to answer, "Sex, or a blow job." But at least he has the intelligence to realise that this will show his one track mind and will ruin any chance he has of getting your number.

The worst is when someone can't think of an answer. And not because there are too many choices, but because they truely can't think of anything. These people are usually just existing, not living. They need something to believe in.

I met someone like this on Christmas Eve.
"You can't be sad!! It's Christmas! Santa won't come if you're sad!" I teased.

"Santa isn't going to bring me anything, Santa doesn't exist."

"Of course Santa exists!! Why wouldn't he bring you anything?"

He explained that his family all lived a great distance away so there was nobody to give him presents on behalf of Santa. I spent the next half an hour hunting for presents to give him, I collected a bracelet, a makeshift paper hat, a glow stick and some antlers. Brushing his long hair out of his face he told me that he was very flattered that I'd gone to so much effort to make him feel special but that it didn't prove that Santa exists.

I'd cared enough to find him these presents, to cheer him, to make him believe.

"Maybe Santa doesn't exist." I told him. "At least not in the physical sense. But as long as someone cares enough about children, about people, to ensure that on Christmas morning there are presents under the tree from 'Santa'. As long as someone cares enough to keep the spirit of Santa alive, then Santa exists."

He smiled wearily. He was giving in.

"Okay. The spirit of Santa exists."

"Everything exists." I insisted. "Fairies exist. Dragons exist. Monsters. Unicorns. The Easter Bunny. Even God exists."

"But you're not religious." He remarked.

He's right. I'm not. But that doesn't mean that God doesnt exist. Its illogical to deny the existence of something. Just as it is illogical to be one hundred percent sure of the existence of anything. It's just more fun this way.

Nobody has seen everything that there is to see. Nobody has explored every forest, or the depth of every cave.

"Have you ever seen a fairy?" he asked.

"No."

"Then how can you say that they exist?"

"Have you ever seen a dolphin?"
"Have you ever seen the pyramids?"
"Have you ever seen Mars, or Saturn?"

Maybe on television, or in books or photos but have you ever seen these things with your own eyes?

Seeing, is not always believing.

I went on, "Do you believe in love?"

"Yes. I've been in love." he sighed.

"How is it any more logical to believe in love than it is to believe in Santa?"

He smiled. "You must have had a very special childhood"

"My whole life is special." I replied.

"Fairy tales, are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons
exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated."
~G.K.Chesterton~

"Let's pretend..."

"Let's pretend we're a couple"
"I was going to say something else but then I grabbed your hand and thought it was appropriate."

We pretended a lot that weekend. We explored castles, and totem poles, sacred ruins and witches huts. We skipped through leaves, we raced through gardens, we climbed and jumped and captured it all in high definition Kodak Moments. For those two days we smiled and giggled and imagined more than we had in a long time.

And we were listened to.

Most importantly, we were listened to.
By someone who was actually interested. And interesting.
We shared secrets. We shared our imaginations.

"I've found it. This is the place where I'm going to kiss you."
You took my hand and led me round, lifted my head and our hearts beat faster than ever before.
But it was a pretend kiss.
It was all pretend.

The robin had told us. We had to pretend. We only got two days. Two days to pretend that we had everything we wanted.

We shared fantasies, romances, tales and dreams.

We kissed furiously, frantically, ripping at each others clothes, each others skin. We kissed each other with passion. We tested our trust. Our hands roamed and explored, exploring, exploring.

We kissed gently, warmly, teasing, tasting, savouring. We kissed each other with... something close to love. Pretend love? Our fingertips tracing, following the outline of each others skin, tickling. Gentle, gently, gently.

"I'm allowed to kiss you on the forehead if we're pretending I'm you're boyfriend."

I was allowed to fall asleep in your arms, you were allowed to watch me dreaming, we were allowed to hold hands.

We could even lie together naked, our bodies pressed against each other. And we could pretend it meant something. Or pretend it didn't.

We could have one last kiss.

It should have ended at that kiss.

As the rest of the world melted away and all that existed was us. Your lips against mine and your hands on my face, kissing me to make sure that I could never forget.

"Remember me" that kiss said.

But you told me to forget. You told me not to think about you.

Just like we didn't think about each other all summer.
Just like we didn't think about each other every time we looked up at the moon.
Just like we didn't think about each other every time we went on a terrible date. Sat opposite someone average, eating average food, asking average questions. Wishing that we could be by a brook, in amongst trees, surrounded by people, sitting on plastic bin liners, talking. Just talking, about everything, while people got drunkenly merry around us. Oblivious.
We pretended we'd forgotten about that.

Neither of us forgot.
That kiss wouldn't let us. After the world melted back, and the commuters had scurried on by at record speed to catch up, part of us was left with that kiss.

We pretended that we could make it work. In another lifetime.

We pretended it was all just an amazing dream.
And we waited to wake up.